Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Oh, HELL-nault!

When I was a kid, my parents made several extremely ill-advised decisions which resulted in ownership of Renault "cars." These were cars in the sense that they bore a vague physical resemblance to what you or I might identify as an automobile - They were box-shaped, and they had wheels. At least they did in the showroom. If by some miracle you got the thing home in one piece, it would begin to shed engine components, body panels, and bits of interior trim within days of purchase. My parents owned several of these disasters. First there was the awful Renault Le Car, which was made of paper and cheese. Despite its iron-free construction, it rusted through in three days. (It was also trampled by goats, but that's a story for another day.) Then there was the five-alternators-per-year Renault/AMC Alliance, inherited from my uncle Gary. I learned how to swear at an early age by observing my father attempt to fix even the simplest problem on this bucket of bolts. Nothing worked. The electrical system was inextricably linked to the seat cushions in some bizarre manner, and the clutch caused the turn signals to activate. Now I know uncle Gary was only trying to help, but I've never forgiven him for what I later realized was an extremely clever practical joke. Long after the accursed car had died, whenever my father saw an Alliance on the road he would point and shout, "Look! An Alliance! And it still runs!" And then he would swerve to avoid the rusty bumper that had fallen off the back.

After the financial and psychological disaster of my parents' foray into Renault ownership, things were quiet for well on twenty years. Renault surrendered and withdrew from the United States in shame. Time passed, and the remaining few Alliances exploded, crumbled to dust, or were hacked to pieces by their owners. So now comes this.

Why can't someone name something nice after me? Right now I've got the worst airport in the United States, a dystopian vision of the future, and this monstrosity. How about an elementary school, or maybe an insane assylum?
It is not comforting to know that all over the third world people will cry out, "Damn you, Logan!" or, "My Logan is terrible, and its headlamps have been eaten by alpacas." Or yes, perhaps even, "Look! A Logan! And it still runs!"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

New Renault Logan may flip easily

Auto Express is reporting that ADAC of Germany, one of Europe's biggest automobile clubs, was able to flip one of Renault's new Logan budget cars during a sudden avoidance maneuver at only 40 mph. What's more shocking is that the drivers' side A-pillar caved in when the car rolled onto its roof.


11:23 AM  

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